Not Without My Son

Becoming a mother is not hard, but being a mother is very hard. Especially for women with a mental disability, parenthood doesn’t come easy. In order for them to successfully master every day life with a child, they can apply a concept which is especially tailored to fit them: Facilitated Parenthood.

01/05/2010

 
These circular stairs directly lead
to the entrance door of the housing
group; © REHACARE.de

Her brown eyes are sparkling. Tanja Kühne* points to the enlarged pictures next to her bed. “That’s when Felix* was one year old. And in this picture we all went to the Zoo,“ the petite woman says with a smile. In frames with silver flower petals, one memory lines up next to another – the trophy collection over a proud mother.

Yet something sets Tanja Kühne apart from other mothers: She is mentally handicapped. When she was pregnant with Felix, the Child Protective Services gave her a choice: Either they take away her son or she moves into a special housing group – 50 miles away from her hometown.

Changes Frighten Her

Until the mid-90s, mothers with learning difficulties were said to be incapable of sufficiently taking care of their children. In some cases, mother and child were separated right at birth. “A mental disability has nothing to do with a mother’s relationship skills,“ argues Jutta Becker, who is a graduate psychologist and teamleader at the Youth- and Disability Social Care Facility of the Deaconry Michaelshoven in Cologne.

The mothers fondly arrange the
rooms with their own or borrowed
furniture; © REHACARE.de

“Mrs. Kühne clearly decided in favor of her son. That is not necessarily a given in her situation,“ her social worker points out. For the past two years, Tanja Kühne and three other mothers and their children have lived together at the “Housing Project Facilitated Parenthood” (”Wohnprojekt Begleitete Elternschaft“). Since May 2000, the deaconry’s compound offers people with learning disabilities the possibility to live together with their child in the housing group.

Jutta Becker remembers her first meeting with Tanja Kühne very well: Back then, the pregnant mother-to-be was barely able to look into her eyes and stared shyly and withdrawn at the floor. Very slowly the new resident was able to accept the help of Jutta Becker and her colleagues, but she knew for whom she was doing this.

The walls in Felix‘s room are painted a bright blue. The midday sun is falling through the high ceilinged window into the room and shines as brightly as the almost two year old. ”I just changed his bed. It always smells so nice afterward,” Tanja Kühne gushes and kisses the happy blond boy on his forehead.

The mothers, which live here, assume as many everyday responsibilities for their kids as they can. They have a fixed daily routine. So nobody forgets it, everybody’s schedule hangs in the hall. Jutta Becker emphasizes that structure is very important for the mothers. It eases some of their stress, since life with a child constantly turns your day completely upside down. “Changes like that still frighten Mrs. Kühne,“ Jutta Becker reports. “But she is really trying to respond to her son’s needs.“

The social worker supports her in this. A team of teachers, educators and resource assistants are available around the clock for the women. Together they visit the pediatrician, help with dealing with authorities and always have some helpful tips for raising the child.

 
At the big wooden table in the kitchen the mother eat and laugh together with their children and the social workers; © REHACARE.de

“Either You Eat Properly or You Do not Get to Eat at All“

Happy chit-chat is heard in the kitchen. The smell of sauteed onions and ham wafts up your nose. A look inside the steaming pot reveals: It’s Spaghetti Carbonara for lunch today. Tanja Kühne and Felix are hungry already. Today, Maria B.*, another resident, cooked for everybody. Every day it is somebody else’s turn. Between toddler group and nap time, everybody takes a little time to eat, talk and laugh with each other.

“The way the group is at the moment, is really like a dream team“, says Jutta Becker. Not every mother moves in here, accepts her situation and the help of the social workers as well and as readily as this. But this is so important for everyday togetherness. The housing group enables mothers to seize their right of living with their child. Yet the right of the child to his/her own well-being comes first. Child Protective Services, which pays for this project, pays close attention to this.

From her many years of experience, Jutta Becker knows that the mental disability is only rarely the reason why mother and child are being separated. Many women have had a traumatic past, come from a difficult social environment or are generally not able to build emotional relationships. Those factors, combined with the learning difficulty, then prevent a cohabitation of mother and child.

Felix puts the red plastic spoon to the side. His little fingers are grabbing the spaghetti, and he puts them in his mouth with pleasure. Tanja Kühne watches her son skeptically out of the corner of her eyes. Then she takes his plate away and reprimands him: “Either you eat properly or you do not get to eat at all.“ In his face he promises to do better, so he gets his plate back and with good manners puts the red spoon into his sauce-covered mouth.

At dinner, the social workers talk
about bills of fare and shopping
lists; © REHACARE.de

Parting Ways Hurts

“Felix is running a little temperature today. But now he is finally asleep,“ Tanja Kühne says a half hour later and sits down on the chair. Yesterday she took her son to get immunized – perhaps that is why there is a temperature, she explains. The almost two year old started to cry once he saw the needle. “But I stroked his little hand the whole time to calm him down,“ the caring mother remembers.

Tanja Kühne will not be able to stay at the deaconry’s housing group for too much longer. When the children are about two years old, the social workers and the mother consider together how the little family might move on. It mostly depends on how tight and solid the bond is with the child. Rarely are the separated after spending time in the housing group. Either mother and child are moving into Assisted living or a social worker comes to the home regularly and gives advice and practical support.

After they move out, many women stay in touch with Jutta Becker and her colleagues. Tanja Kühne already mentioned that she will be very sad when she has to move out. Despite the sadness, she also leaves the housing group with a happy feeling: “I would like to live with my boyfriend in the future. Then we are finally a real family.“

* Name changed by Editorial Team

Nadine Lormis
REHACARE.de

(Translated by Elena O'Meara)